It started with fertility. My husband and I spent years trying to get pregnant. It was physically and emotionally draining but I always knew it would all be worth it when I got pregnant. Then I got pregnant with TWINS. My first trimester was brutal. I was nauseous all the time; I couldn’t keep any food down and I was exhausted. I told myself after this trimester it will get easier. Then at about 23 weeks pregnant I was put on bed rest. I prayed for the babies’ safety while losing my mind on the couch. As the weeks passed I grew more and more confident the boys would be okay and told myself it’ll be over soon and the babies will be here safe and sound.
The most joyous day of my life was the day the boys came into the world. People warned us the first three months would be hard. They said you just have to make it through and it will get easier. The boys aren’t a year old yet and I can honestly say I don’t remember everything about the first 3 months. I was so exhausted and delirious, much of it is a fog. I remember Henry having colic and walking around the house with him for hours every night while he cried and sometimes so did I. I remember pumping at 3 in the morning after feeding the babies and thinking to myself “this has to get easier!”
From fertility to bed rest to the first few months of life with twins I can say each of those stages were hard and the next were easier. This led me to think it would keep going this way. Then it stopped getting easier.
From 6 to 9 months the twins were sleeping through the night (mostly) and taking 3 naps a day. I was finally able to sleep and it felt amazing. My life was very scheduled and I looked forward to a time when they would take less naps and I could do more. At this point I was able to put the boys in bouncers when they were awake and get things done in the house. The shift from 3 to 2 naps was anything but easier!
It doesn’t get easier; it changes, evolves and becomes more complex. For awhile I was in a funk. I threw my back out from chasing my heavy boys around the house. They suddenly needed nonstop attention and supervision and I was physically and emotionally drained. They were napping less and I felt like I could never get anything done. It seemed like they were always sick or teething and I was exhausted.
Then one day when I least expected it, Miles took his first steps. I cried tears of joy. Henry’s first steps came shortly after. Miles seemed to take his first steps unintentionally but when Henry walked, he clapped for himself and looked at me waiting for his applause. I cheered for him with so much excitement. I could see Henry was intently watching his brother to see what he was doing so he could master this new skill too. They are constantly inspiring each other to learn new things. They are so unique and each experience with them is so special and getting to experience these joys with two is so fulfilling and remarkable.
Now they run in opposite directions and fall all over the place. They’ve started fighting over toys and love wrestling. I realized I have a choice; I can stay in a funk, feeling disappointed this stopped getting easier or I can embrace how this journey is evolving. It can be stressful when the boys want different things, have different needs and are constantly depending on me. It is also exciting. No two days are the same; no two minutes are the same! They have started to interact with each other and me in a way that is so awesome. They actually make me laugh and I’ve learned to really look forward to the time we spend together.
There are things that I miss about the phases that came before this one. I miss when they would snuggle and fall asleep on me. I miss when they were less mobile and we could go more places. It’s okay to miss what was special about what came before. If I focus on the past I may miss what is special about the phase we are living in right now. I love when the babies mimic me. I love when they laugh at me playing peek-a-boo. Most of all, I love how they look at me when I walk in the room. They smile so big and jump with joy in the morning when I take them out of their cribs. It is the best feeling; I feel so loved.
I imagine as they learn to talk some things will get easier and others will get more dynamic. I imagine toddlerhood will be full of new ups and downs. One day I will have teenagers who will challenge me in ways I cannot even begin to imagine. What I have realized is that I need to embrace and enjoy these phases as they come and go. I also need to remember that each phase will be filled with unique challenges and my husband and I will take on each challenge just as we have this first year.
Letting go of the belief that it will get easier and embracing the reality that life with twins will be constantly evolving has freed me of feeling disappointment. As new challenges come I may become frustrated at times but I expect the challenges to come. Seeing my boys jump for joy when I walk in the room, watching them run around having so much fun and having my days filled with twin hugs and kisses is filling my heart in a way I never knew was possible. I cannot wait to see what is coming tomorrow!